Filed under: Uncategorized
The thing about blogging is it nags and haunts when neglected. A lot has happened the last couple of years, naturally, but on the cusp of the new year I thought I’d share the draft of a blog entry I wrote in the spring of 2010:
“I know I am making the choice most dangerous to an artist in valuing life above art.” – James Agee
That line has been running through my head today, and for reasons my family and I have shared with only a few people. For all the time and money and work we have been through to be where we are today–in a coveted PhD program at a premier research university, on the track to becoming a professor–our hearts have been heavy lately. It turns out, money does make the world go ’round. Without any possible funding for these first two years of school (aside from my work as an accompanist and a hefty advance on the next ten years of our life [read student loans]) the realities of life have been slowly creeping into our hearts and minds. After asking some tough questions and digging through whatever flimsy options that have presented themselves, I have decided to finish this year at the University of Chicago, cut my ties, and return home with my newly-expanded family. Funny thing is, it feels like such a relief.
There isn’t much more to say, other than sometimes the dreams you build for your life don’t always mesh with one another. BrieAnn and I started seeing our life move in a direction that didn’t include the things we had once dreamed of, the things that had mattered above all else. I am just renegotiating my claim on life while I still can, shifting some things around in order to ensure those most prized in my life are at the center of my life.
It’s what I have always wanted.
I think about that time now, how I would have changed some things if I had a do-over. We made what was probably the best decision at the time, all things considered, though I also think of all that has ached my heart because of that choice to leave. How I terribly miss being in Hyde Park and walking to the university for class. How it felt to eat, breathe, and sleep ideas and almost nothing else. The rush of intellectual people everywhere. The bookstores. That now, so much more removed from then than the measly 1,000 miles, I am a little closer to reading a status update of a dissertation completion or job interviewing from one of my dear friends in my old program–an update I both fear and giddily await, depending on the day.
I have a great life here and now. It’s hard to imagine replacing any of it. But the thing about a neglected blog is the same as a neglected dream: it haunts you. Maybe the danger of Agee’s decision is felt most by the one making it, the one purposefully throwing water on the flames only to at last be clouded and choked by the smoke of his decision-making. I guess our decision to leave really did feel like a relief at the time. But the thing is, there are days when the more I ponder my time at Chicago the more I’m perplexed by the stumbling question: Did it really happen?
Leave a Comment so far
Leave a comment
